Who Knows You Blog?

When I first started this blog it was a means to unclutter my mind with all the crap that was in there; irritations about my separation and husband, to help with a bit of child-stress, and to maybe figure out where I needed to go in life. My venting machine - hmm… change the title? Nah!

No one knew in my family that I was writing this blog, no need to share it with them. Again, my venting blog. What good was a venting blog if I shared it with those I vented about? So, no one knew, and still to today, no one in my family knows about this particular blog.

As I ventured out and began blogging other places, I had to schedule my time a bit more wisely. I never take time from my children, but I did begin to ask their dad to keep them an hour longer for his time. When time changed, the questions followed. What’s going on? So, I told him.

Well, the thing I knew would happen, happened. “What? That’s stupid! Why are you doing that?” “Takes time away from the family.” No, you mean it takes time away from you! You want me to be doing what you want; going here, going there, doing this, doing that. The questions never ended.

By the time he was done, I felt like calling it quits. Again, one more thing that I do for me, squashed by the attitude of a selfish man. I didn’t quit, I enjoy what I do. Even if only one person reads each of the blogs I do, I do them for me and to either give enjoyment, help or advice.

Well, he knows I blog, but not what they are; he could care less. I told him because we are suppose to be mending our relationship, this is important to me, so I thought I would share something I felt for, but this is one more reason to question “What the heck am I still doing with him?”

 

Wedding Bells

We all know that they are not for me! One of my sisters - three years older than me - is getting married in September. After six years of dating and being engaged with her guy, they are finally tying the knot. I am happy for her. Glad that she has finally found the right guy. She asked for Miss K to be her flower girl and of course I said yes. Miss K is only concerned about eating wedding cake of course. My concern - going home.

Going home is a whole dark place that I don’t even want to think about. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I love them from afar. That’s not right either, I shouldn’t have such anxiety about returning home, but I do. The next day that ticks off and the closer we get, the harder I am starting to take it.

There is a whole story behind ‘home sweet home’ that left me with bitterness. I grew up fine, my family was great, but once my father died of cancer when I was in high school, everything went down hill. Left at home to take care of my mom, four nephews and a niece, within two years home was no longer home, I left home at 18 and haven’t been home since.

It can really way on someone to leave at 18 and return at 34. In this long time span, I served in the Navy, married, had a family of my own, and have tried to accomplish things I don’t believe I would have had I stayed at home. Don’t get me wrong, I have stayed in touch. I fly my mom out once a year, tons of phone calls every month to mom and my sisters; we are together, just not in person, and there has been no reason to return - until now.

So, in order to celebrate the occasion and keep myself on the sanity path, I hired a personal trainer to get my butt into shape. Tuesday, Thursdays, and Saturdays, I will be working my ass, both to get into shape, but to help focus my frustrations on going home. Hopefully, this will help clear my head and let me let go of my own personal demons.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it!

 

I Don’t Want To Move

I admit that I am not too keen on living in Arkansas. I don’t hate it, I’m not miserable, but I can’t say this is where I want to spend the rest of my life either. Do I want to move? Not yet. I am in an OK place mentally and work-wise, and with my kids happy where they are, why is he pushing it?

Every year around the same time the spouse begins his “Let’s move” initiative. Need I remind you that we are in Arkansas because he needed to move back by his mom? I didn’t choose to move here, but since day one it seems like he is constantly wanting to go. Well, I told him to go if he wants. I am not keeping him here. With all of the past year and a half rolled up, I would not think any less of him if he did move.

“Do what’s right for you,” is what spilled from my mouth.

“I want you and the kids to come with me.”

Basically, that was the conversation all weekend long. He needs to understand that our sepearation has helped me realize that our children come first, not him. Moving is what he wants, again for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with family. I was done with that a year and a half ago, why on earth would I bring that back into my life?

Just another one of those complaints that leave me asking myself when he will get the point? We separated - it’s not about him anymore.

 

Christmas Is Over

Christmas came and went quietly.  My kiddos were up first and my daughter ran into my room, “Mommy, Mommy.  I got…” and off she went, listing everything Santa brought her and she ran out of my room.  Basically, that meant get out of bed and get your butt in here.  I rose slowly, exhausted for having to wait for Santa to show, but tickled by the sounds coming from the other room.

As I traveled by the sofa, I noticed the lumpy shape sleeping there was my son.  He obviously was up spying.  He is old enough to understand that Santa is your belief in the Christmas holiday and not a true figure, but since we still have a young one that believes in Santa completely, I make him do a list and all the festive things to help the magic for his sister.  He doesn’t mind playing along, but that also means he has no clue what he is getting either - so, the spying.

It takes months to build up to this day and then only about 20 minutes to rip through everything and begin to play.  Between the scooters running over my toes and the little hard shaped toys that came with the Littlest Pet Shops that were stuck in my foot, Christmas morning was perfect.  Everyone got along, including Dad, and we were able to enjoy each other.  Now that everyone was in good spirits, time to make coffee!

I had my cup of coffee, started bagging the wrapping paper and such for recycling, and began the search for little parts already missing - we found them all.  Then as the morning became afternoon, al the happiness was starting to fade, kids starting yelling, Dad started with the kids, and I was a frazzled mess.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 

 

When is Enough, Enough?

My husband told me this weekend to either “figure it out or I’m gone.”  Well, I guess if he had given me the “time” I asked for, I would probably know by now. 

So what if it has been almost a year since our separation began and yes, most people by now would have figured it out, but those are the people whose spouses actually gave them the time they needed instead of being their shadow 24/7!

He is the one that messed up.  And, if I had gotten my way, we would be in divorce court instead of trying to reconcile.  All I asked was for some time - time to know if he is really going to be the man that I need as a husband, lover, and friend.  So far, I’ve got 1 out of 3… not so good!

You know, why is it so hard to give time?  I would think as much as he wants us back together that he would give me my time.  It would go by much faster.  But no, time has not been on my side.

I am about ready to tell him that it is done.  Enough is enough and I need to move on.  I am not miserable, but I am unhappy.  I would rather our children see us happy friends then miserable parents.

I write this now, but next week I will still be there because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  I need to scream really loud and get rid of some frustration.